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Episodes Checklist for Late Show with David Letterman

Chelly Team Profile
by Chelly Team
March 3, 2020

Season 01

Tom Brokaw shows up to take back some NBC ""intellectual property;"" Dave shows off the renovated Ed Sullivan Theater and chats with Bill Murray.

Dave's worst moment on last night's debut: his fake tooth fell out (the video is repeated several times in slow motion); a four-year-old geography expert and cheese lover names states on a U.S. map.

A very pregnant Demi Moore is given the honor of throwing the first pencil through the backdrop windows of the Late Show.

The ghost of Ed Sullivan (who haunts Dave throughout the first week) introduces a plate spinner; Andy Dick makes his first appearance as ""Donnie, the CBS Page Who Likes To Suck Up.""

Dave has fun with a car phone, calling in bogus traffic reports to 1010 WINS radio; Casey Kasem presents ""Top Ten Favorite Numbers Between 1 and 10;"" after showing a clip from an old ""Wonder Woman"" episode, Debra Winger strips to her old Wonder Girl outfit.

Dave continues pestering locals with the new hands-free car phone: WINS radio, a car wash, Dial-a-Mattress and Jackson Hole Restaurant, where he orders pancakes.

Dave takes a cab to help out at Yankee Stadium and later makes fun of Tony Randall; Lenny Kravitz performs ""Are You Gonna Go My Way.""

Concrete Blonde – ""Mexican Moon""

Dave comments on the upcoming Winter Olympics in Norway; staff members Debbie Drimmer, Rick Scheckman and John Beckerman tell all about their vacations last week.

Peter Frampton sits in; Dave discusses Clinton's health care plan with a group of cab drivers; seven-year-old sheep handler Amanda Archiletta does an on-stage demonstration.

James - ""Laid""

Throughout the night, champion canines from the Westminster Dog Show walk across the stage; Dorothy does a little shopping in Lillehammer.

Dorothy interviews Tommy Moe; Phil Hartman promotes Greedy.

David Sanborn sits in with the band; Dave surveys residents of Scotch Plains, NJ about the Olympics; Bebe Neuwirth promotes ""Damn Yankees"" and her anticipated guest appearance on ""Frasier.""

Dave proposes marriage on behalf of an audience member; UB40 performs ""Higher Ground.""

Two guys pretending to be Dave and Paul ice skate; Laurence Fishburne promotes Searching for Bobby Fischer.

Dorothy recaps her two weeks in Lillehammer; Michael J. Fox promotes Greedy.

The Mars Observer crashes into the studio; Mike Ditka promotes ""NFL on NBC;"" John Hiatt performs ""Perfectly Good Guitar.""

Dave shows an anonymous gift (Jonathan Estrada, maybe?) of a block of cheese shaped like Oklahoma. Also, up-and-coming singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow performs ""Leaving Las Vegas.""

Ten cabbies present the Top Ten; Diane Sawyer sneaks in footage of Dave from his weatherman days; Chris Elliott shows a clip from his new movie ""Poolside Ecstasy.""

Jerry Garcia sits in with the band; Dave makes several jokes at the expense of Yassir Arafat.

""New Pharmaceuticals"" include ""Hot 'n' Spicy Tylenol,"" ""L'eggs Metal Pipe Resistant Pantyhose,"" and ""Nipsey's Own Anti-Bacterial Ointment."" Regis interrupts the segment to tell Dave he's not even trying anymore. Also, during her annual Oscars special, Barbara Walters makes Dave cry.

New York native Gurnek Basanti drives his cab into the theater; Dave devours an entire tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Dave brags about the birth of his nephew; Buck Henry promotes his new book.

""Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Get into the Hard Rock Cafe?"" Apparently, he can do it with ease, but ""Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Get into the Russian Tea Room?"" Without hesitation, our hero gets a table for one.

Dave watches a live feed of himself watching the show at home while he's taping the show in the theater. Shots include toasting waffles, crying to Kenny Rogers music, milking a goat, and bothering Dan Rather. Also, Madonna drops by to plug her new album, spews profanities with aplomb, then refuses to leave.

A day after Madonna arouses/grosses out the American viewing public by, among other things, offering Dave her underwear, Charles Grodin comes on the show tonight to offer his. Later, musical guest Elvis Costello and the Attractions perform ""13 Steps Lead Down,"" and the nerd-rocker gives Dave his sock.

Dave can't seem to remove his shoe, and with no shoehorn available, he runs outside and asks a cab driver to run over his foot.

Paul Newman jumps out of the audience, claiming to take a powder when he learns that Madonna won't be on. Instead, he walks across Broadway to see Cats.

Shortly after a baseball-themed Top Ten, Dave goes on a brief rant about how overpaid the players are.

Tonight marks the Late Show debut of ""The Strong Guy, the Fat Guy, the Genius,"" which pits three men of said traits against each other in various undertakings. Of the three rounds of play, they each win one competition.

Mujibur and Sirajul make a visit to Mickey the barber, and they promptly receive free haircuts. Soon afterwards, Don Rickles goes in for a trim. Also, Liz Phair (in her first appearance on the show) performs ""Never Said.""

""Rejected FDA Items"" include Medicated Pringles, Tic-Tacs with Real Ticks and Tacks, Deodorant with Raisins, Milk with Adjustable Dates, and Madonna Soap; Lyle Lovett and Al Green perform ""Funny How Time Slips Away.""

During Mailbag, Dave discusses a certain much-publicized divorce with ""Roseanne Arnold"" (Gerard). Later, he chats with Boston Marathon winner Uta Pippig.

Dave names Jimmy Johnson as the new head coach of the show; Ellen DeGeneres promotes ""These Friends of Mine.""

Future Dave lead-in Tom Snyder promotes his new (and ultimately doomed) Larry King-style cable talk show.

Dave notices an empty seat in the third row, so he brings in a guy from outside to fill it.

Dave finds a stray blue card on his desk and returns it to Regis and Kathie Lee. Also, Gin Blossoms perform ""Hey Jealousy.""

Donny Osmond and Calvert star in the Late Show's version of the Menendez Brothers' life story.

Dave tries to wake up and gets soaked with Gatorade; Tony Randall helps Mandy Patinkin practice a musical number; Dave ""grills"" seven-year-old hole expert Daniel Lowe.

Dave harasses hotel doormen, and later he chats with NFL draft pick Dan Wilkenson.

The outside cam heads to Times Square, during which Dave invites passerby Amy Butler in to co-host. Later in the show, Dave and Amy reflect on the wonderful weather (he's really just flirting with her).

Dave gets a parking ticket; Robin Williams promotes ""Comic Relief VI.""

Throughout the night, we have an assortment of ""Happy Endings,"" providing a satisfying coda to unusual situations. Also, Dave shows a sample of the new ""Caning Strength Bufferin.""

Dave brings out 70 cases of Gatorade that were received after the stunt in Show #149. Later, he goes up to his office to watch the CBS Evening News.

Dave discusses politics with a bunch of cabbies; Chris Farley demonstrates his physically demanding comedy routine; Sharon Stone waltzes with one of the cabbies.

Dave takes his show to LA for the first time since 1985. Dave throws a pencil into a wading pool that's behind his desk, and a dog retrieves it. Dave then gets into the pool to give the pencil to the dog. Later, another pencil is retrieved from the pool by Billy Crystal; ""Mayor Richard Riordan"" (Calvert) presents the Top Ten; Ray Charles performs ""What'd I Say?""

L.A., Day 2: Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda is seen gulping down Slim-Fast; Dodgers pitchers Orel Hershiser, Roger McDowell, Tom Candiotti and Jim Gott hurl fastballs toward the camera.

LA, Day 3: Dave ends the show early, and then flies back to New York. Paul finds him working the cashier at K&L Rock America, so they bring Mujibur and Sirajul to CBS Television City. Also, Richard Simmons sabotages the Top Ten list because he thinks it's insulting.

L.A., Day 4: It's time for ""Los Angeles Souvenirs,"" including a Fabio Lawn Gnome, Record Industry Weasel Magazine, and a Honk-If-You've-Slept-with-Madonna bumper sticker. ""Madonna"" (Calvert) walks by to tell Dave he's/she's offended, and slaps him.

A very special guest presents the Top Ten (see recap); Bette Midler performs ""Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.""

Travis Tritt performs ""Foolish Pride,"" while Harvey Pekar actually censors himself, much to Dave's chagrin.

Dave finally has his photos from LA developed, and an audience guys helps him display the photos on the Times Square Jumbotron. Later in the show, all of tonight's guests (Slash, James Carville, and Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth) also have their photos taken for the Jumbotron.

It's time for more celebrities in the audience, including Michael J. Fox, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Shaffer, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Bill Cobsy. Also, Carol Burnett promotes her made-for-TV movie Seasons of the Heart.

Dave quizzes the audience on last week's trip to LA.

Dave freshens up by walking outside the theater, towards a hot dog vendor, and washing his face in the dirty hot dog water. Also, Creepy Dave drops by annoy Dave again: ""What's up?""

Dave makes another bad phone call for an audience member; Rick Moranis promotes The Flintstones, and his interview is interrupted by co-star John Goodman; Tony cleans Dave's desk.

Dave is missing his opening ""billboard"" card with tonight's guests listed on them, so he leaves the theater, goes to the NBC Nightly News studio and gets it from a confused Tom Brokaw.

Dave finds a sports reporter from Indianapolis outside and invites him in; Dave launches ""Top Ten Plus,"" the quicker and more efficient Top Ten list; after Dave mocks a magazine with the headline ""Sweat with Fabio,"" the male model drops a sandbag on the desk, and Dave throws him out of the theater.

Jets take off at JFK Airport; Rosie O'Donnell promotes The Flintstones.

David Sanborn sits in with the band; Dave does part of the show from his ""house"" in Connecticut.

Dave helps Nancy Agostini find an apartment in the city; The Pretenders perform ""Night in My Veins.""

Dave escorts the Stand-by Audience (all 40 of 'em) to a restaurant a few blocks away from the Ed Sullivan Theater. He later invites sailors in the audience to visit FlashDancers across the street.

Dave hands out ""Warning Label"" props to the audience; another ""CBS Special Report"" finds Alan Richardson reporting on his socks.

Dave's coffee is cold, so he goes out and warms it himself with a taxi battery; George Miller comments on today's solar eclipse; Dave picks a dead fly off his sport coat.

An audience member plays a staged version of ""The Price is Right,"" and wins a can of flour. Also, Michael Buffer fills in for Billy Wendell, announcing tonight's guests (not to mention Paul and the flour guy) with his distinct baritone.

Mujibur and Sirajul begin their Coast-to-Coast Tour, leaving NYC on a private jet; Keanu Reeves promotes Speed; Dave interviews David Brenner about his new radio show, and oddly enough, Dave will be David's first guest on his radio show premiere the next day.

On their first leg of the Coast-to-Coast Tour, Mujibur and Sirajul report from Niagra Falls, saluting the US flag. Paul says the idea ""looked great on paper."" Also, Dave chats with Hakeem Olajuwon of the NBA Champion Houston Rockets.

Dave selects two audience members to receive tickets to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Marv Albert hands out the tickets and shows a hockey blooper.

Three members of the 1994 Stanley Cup Champion New York Rangers drop by, and later they let Morty take a picture of the Cup.

Jon Lovitz laments the demise of ""The Critic;"" Sandra Bullock promotes Speed.

Stone Temple Pilots – ""Vasoline""

After a technical error prevents it from being performed the previous night, Dave presents the rest of the ""NBA Finals Quiz."" Now feeling a little queasy due to all the stress of the past two nights, Dave points out that he has a body double that will stand in for him when the time comes for him to get medical attention. Also, Dan Rather sings ""Wreck of the Old 97.""

John Mellencamp – ""Wild Night""

On their latest stop, Mujibur and Sirajul get serenaded by Tom Jones in Las Vegas. Wondering who's been operating K&L Rock America while they've been gone, Dave finds Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert running the shop in their place.

Barbra Streisand walks on the set and gives Dave two tickets to her show at Radio City Music Hall. Dave gives them away to a woman in the audience.

""Coast to Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul"" -- tonight, they're fly-fishing in Madison Valley, Montana, with their teaching guide, Craig.

In a spoof of Home Shopping Network, Dave sells ""Dave and Paul Collection Plates,"" giving out the phone number of head writer Rob Burnett. Also, Dave invites Megan and Tim, a couple from Kansas City, in from the storm, gives them towels to dry off, and offers them seats by the spiral stairway, where they stay throughout the show.

Dave takes a cue card from Tony Mendez, re-reads a joke and then has the cue card passed around the audience. Later, Calvert DeForest dresses up as Barbra Streisand and performs ""The Way We Were,"" and guest Richard Simmons sings a patriotic medley.

Dave leaves the show after the monologue and heads upstairs to read Wresting Magazine with his face in a mud mask, and Paul retrieves him. Later, famed soccer commentator Andres Cantor repeats his most famous line to Dave: ""ggoooooooooaaaaaaallllll!""

The Runaway Camera is roaming the streets of New York City, getting squeegied, hit by a bike, down a manhole, running into Rupert Jee, and going into ""Cats"" and ""Flashdancers."" Later, in dueling clips, Dave shows embarassing clips of Tom Hanks from ""The Love Boat,"" ""Taxi,"" and ""Happy Days."" Tom retaliates with an embarassing clip of Dave from ""Mork and Mindy.""

Dave returns to outside the Today Show set and displays his sign: ""Happy 100th Birthday, Willard""; in honor of the 25th anniversary of the moon landing, we see Dave accomplishing the same feat; Midnight Oil performs ""Sometimes.""

Ricki Lake promotes her supporting role in the upcoming Cabin Boy; Gary Sinise plugs Forrest Gump.

""Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Say Hello on a N. Y. C. Pay Phone?"" The answer? Mais oui! Also, one of the all-time great Stupid Pet Tricks makes a triumphant return when Kevin Dechico and his dog ""Air Buddy"" shoot hoops onstage.

Cold opening: Kenny Rogers tells Dave when to hold ‘um and when to fold ‘um. Dave also stops the show midway through to just kick back in his chair and relax, then reflect on the show thus far.

Dave fills up a pothole outside the studio with joke cards; Jim Carrey's limo is towed away.

The pothole Dave filled up with blue joke cards the previous night is sealed by none other then Mayor Guiliani; the pothole is danced upon by several fabulous babes performing Rockette-style kicks; Gin Blossoms and Kiss perform ""Christine Sixteen.""

A severed head perks out of the pothole; a doctor stands in the backdrop in case Dave suddenly becomes sick during the show; Sirajul asks a group of fishermen in South Dakota what they think of hometown boy Tom Brokaw.

Dave comments on Tony's cue card work, then makes a bad phone call for an audience member with mother issues.

Dave attends the Whitewater Hearings; up-and-coming starlet Cameron Diaz promotes ""The Mask""; Dave finally chats with Stevie Nicks (whose manager Dave criticized several years before).

The show is interrupted all night long by (bogus) CBS News special reports by anchor Alan Richardson, who sings, is beaten up by a bus driver, pitches Mountain Dew and swears about the prime lending rate.

After Dave sings a horrible rendition of ""Oklahoma,"" Paul demands to hear a better version. Soon after, John and Bonnie Raitt come on stage to show Dave how it's done.

Dave and model Inna Mirovich toss back some vodka. Later, Howard Stern admits that he had to drop out of the New York governor's race because he refused to reveal his yearly income.

Dave looks at ""What's On Other Channels;"" the Smothers Brothers perform.

Rupert brings soup to tonight's guests; Dave reflects on the Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley wedding.

Ed Sullivan's ghost introduces juggler ""Andy Head;"" Paul & the CBSO play Jerry Lewis out with the coda from Count Basie's ""April In Paris"" (a Lewis signature tune); Dave gives Jerry his take on ""Beavis and Butt-head,"" then Jerry runs around the set and gooses a cameraman; budding sports reporter Sparky Mortimer makes his first appearance; Rod Stewart performs.

Dave's high-rise buddy Meg Parsont (at a different building) makes her first and only appearance on CBS -- giving a description of her boyfriend Tony to a police sketch artist.

Johnny Cash sings ""Don't Take Your Guns to Town.""

Dave looks at new books for fall; Andy Dick returns as ""Donnie ... the CBS Page Who Likes to Suck Up.""

""Celebrities in the Audience"" makes its first appearance on the new show, as guests from previous shows are introduced in the crowd -- Glenn Close, Sylvester Stallone, Jerry Lewis, Jimmy Carter, Siskel & Ebert and Bob Borden.

Natalie Merchant - ""Because the Night""

Mary Tyler Moore treats Late Show viewers to a video clip of Dave from her 1978 variety show, ""Mary,"" in which she smashes a grapefruit in Dave's face. Also, Dave, Biff, Gaines, Anton and Laurie Diamond get their teeth cleaned.

""Meet the Neighbors,"" conclusion: The outside cam goes to K & L's Rock America to see Mujibur Rahman and Sirajul Islam, and Dave has them round up Bart Dadon, Fern Chapnick, Rupert Jee, Alexandra Mitsakis and Charlie Levy from the nearby stores and businesses.

Throughout the night, Calvert reports from the parade; as he does every year, Dave guesses what pies his mother made this Thanksgiving; Gabriel Byrne plugs ""Point of No Return.""

In ""Bad Phone Call,"" Dave calls the father of Michelle Polikas to tell him she's living with Bob Howard. Also, Dave takes two suckers away from Angel the camera man, and he gives them to Bob and Michelle.

Mandy Patinkin drops by (along with Tony Randall), and asks for rehearsal time. Before Dave gets a chance to say no, Mandy and the CBS Orchestra perform a fully-arranged ""Rockabye Your Baby.""

Dave buys Paul a fake Rolex off the street; Chris Elliott is on hand for the world premiere of his surrealist art film ""The Traveling Poet.""

Dave visits some handwriting analysts; Rush Limbaugh promotes his new book.

Dave comments on FOX taking away CBS' NFL coverage; strongman Dennis ""Mighty Mite"" Rogers lifts weights.

Chris Elliott performs the title song from ""Cabaret;"" legendary violinist Itzhak Perlman follows with a rendition of ""Danse Espagnole."" After Perlman's performance, Dave wants to go backstage and slap Chris.

The ghost of Ed Sullivan introduces trampoline star Tom Boleen; Troy Aikman throws footballs into cabs on Broadway, and later, from a trampoline.

George Carlin promotes his new sitcom; Calvert drops by as ""The Guy Who Thinks Dave's Name is Randy.""

Dave gets dragged by a cab; the cast of ""Cats"" runs into the Ed Sullivan Theater to take a bow.

Season 10

Dave mentions that a street is being named after Paul in his hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario. Later, Dave plays ""How Many Guys in Alien Suits Can Fit Into a Coffee Shop?""

Dave shows a promo for Al Jazzera's new show ""Afghani Idol;"" Dave calls Paul a half-wit, then apologizes several times; George Miller comments on frozen cryogenics and asks, ""What if the person froze to death?""

Steph/Monty is on the roof with binoculars, looking for Bon Jovi performing in Times Square. Later, another one of Dave's assistants applies sunscreen on our weary voyeur.

During CBS Mailbag, a viewer asks how Biff chose where to go during his summer tour. Biff responds by thanking ""Rand"" and ""McNally,"" who turn out to be a couple of much younger women that he's sleeping with.

Dave shows a (supposed) clip from the hit movie ""SwimFan,"" then chats with Stephanie about the US Open.

Dave introduces the man that supposedly punched David Wells; Rupert's Paul Shaffer sandwich beats Europa Cafe's basil chicken sandwich in a taste contest; ""Dr."" Bill DeLace addresses the West Nile Virus.

Dave reflects on a certain one-year anniversary, then chats with his former monologue punching bag, President Bill Clinton.

Dave announces the show can no longer be seen in Mexico City; Dave introduces Network Time Killers such as ""Korean Soap Opera Clip of the Night"" and ""Anton Fig's Beret of Mystery""; a dry wall joint sealer is tonight's mystery gadget on ""What the Hell Is It?""

Dave announces that any cell phones that go off during the taping will be smashed with a hammer; ""Dr. Phil"" (Gerard) tells Dave that he's deeply insane; Rich Hall comments on ""Hollywood's Nicest Couple.""

After watching Oprah win the Bob Hope Award at last night's Emmys; Dave demands to win it in 2003; Dave gives Barbara Gaines a kiss for her heartfelt speech at last night's ceremony (five-peat!); Biff visits the set of ""CSI: Miami.""

Regis fills in for Dave, who has now been diagnosed with shingles; Greg Giraldo does stand-up; Kathleen Edwards sings ""Hockey Skates.""

Whoopi Goldberg (a former talk-show host in her own right) is the latest to fill in for Dave during his extended bout with shingles. She starts the monologue by announcing that ""tonight's show is in color,"" and then points out that the CBS Orchestra was once again the house band of last weekend's Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Also, comedian Andy Vastola makes his network television debut.

Guest host Vince Vaughn charms the audience and hits on Rosie Perez.

Will Ferrell joins fellow ""Old School"" star Vince Vaughn as a guest host on Letterman. In his monolouge, Will does his famous George W. Bush impression and serenades the absent host with his version of Kenny Rogers' ""Lady."" Later on, the up and coming rock band The American Hi-Fi performs their hit ""The Art of Losing.""

Will & Grace star Megan Mullally shows a clip of her tripping as she walked onstage to accept an award at last Sunday's Screen Actors Guild awards. Later, she sings a blues number called ""Guilty.""

Brad Garrett of Everybody Loves Raymond fame does a very Letterman-esque, one-liner heavy monologue, then mentions a recent medical mishap where his testes broke his fall. Also, Lyle Lovett sings ""Straighten Up and Fly Right.""

Chicago-born comedian (and old friend of Dave's) Tom Dreseen becomes the latest fill-in host for Dave. He mentions that a fan outside the theater mistook him for Regis, then goes a spiel about his daughter's love of hip-hop. Also, lesbian comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer performs.

Paul fills in for Dave, lamenting in song about the big shoes he has to fill; Mike Smith of the Dave Clark Five fills in for Paul, who later sings the band's hit ""Because""; indie rocker Cat Power makes her network television debut, and is so camera-shy she can't seem to eye contact with the audience.

In observance of an incedent that occured at a White Sox-Royals game the previous week, two shirtless drunks beat the crap out of Alan. Later, a Civil War battle is awkwardly recreated on 53rd Street.

In a bizarre running gag, Bill Cosby pretends to be so senile that a substitute cue-card boy introduces all of tonight's guests; Hilton Ruiz, Spaceman Paterson, Steve Berrios, and Andy Gonzales all sit in lieu of a temporary depleted band tonight (only Paul, Sid and Bruce bothered to show up); Sofia Vergara promotes Chasing Papi; the D4 performs ""Get Loose.""

Luke Wilson brings up a story about how he told his Old School co-stars Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn he was hosting the Late Show. He was surprised by how unimpressed they were, as they also filled in for Dave. Later in the show, Seether performs ""Driven Under.""

Dave returns from a month-long hiatus and makes fun of his health problems. He also shows an old ""Tonight Show"" clip as a tribute to the late, great George Miller.

""I have to be here tonight,"" Dave utters in the monologue, ""I'm out of sick days."" An ""Incredible Dog Challenge"" sponsored by Purina Dog Chow has been postponed by the weather, but that doesn't stop George Clarke from welding a metal garbage can.

Dave shows footage of Donald Rumsfeld unintentionally flipping the bird at a press conference, and later he chats with adolescent ""Bernie Mac Show"" star Jeremy Suarez.

After admitting that his medicine is making him bloated, Dave loosens his belt for all the world to see; during Biff's annual visit to Yankees Spring Training, he and Hideki Matsui recreate Abbott & Costello's ""Who's On First?"" routine; ten members of an Air Force base in Alaska present the Top Ten; Bo Diddley and the Debby Hastings Band performs ""Who Do You Love.""

Mailbag: ""Does Alan Kalter really have a twin?"" Dave points out that he does have a brother named Rick, but Alan interrupts with a chin rub. Apparently, Big Red recently discovered he has a twin sister, Denise. After catching up on lost time at a local restaurant, Alan and Denise go to his place and make out.

Dave shows a clip of Les Moonves on last night's episode of The Practice; Dave warns Steph/Monty to not ask the monkey question, but she does anyway; The Folksmen (stars of the film ""A Mighty Wind"") perform ""Old Joe's Place.""

Dave and Paul wonder openly what to ask Lisa Marie Presley, who is on the show tonight to promote her first solo album. Later in the show, she sings ""Lights Out.""

Dave reminds us that his 56th birthday was on Saturday, but he claims it was really his 34th and CBS aged him; Dave tells a funny story about George Miller's memorial service; ""Hootie Johnson"" presents Dave with a green Masters jacket.

During the annual ""New for Fall"" segment, Alan's hair changes color. Later in the same segment, he is beaten up by Harvey Keitel.

Dave announces that the Late Show (and not CNN) has the legal rights to a screen caption that reads ""Showdown: Syria""; Tony Mendez gets scolded by Daddy for abbreviating ""Dr. Phil's Words of Wisdom"" to ""Dr. Phil's Words of W"" on a cue-card; a woman who lost her luggage at JFK Airport participates in the new Hello Deli game ""What's Your Problem?"" (and she loses).

Dave shows footage of chaos on the streets of Baghdad that bears that striking resemblance to West Side Story; a man balancing a burning bowling ball participates in ""Is This Anything?""; Todd Rundgren performs ""Hello, It's Me"" (a song he would perform on the show again later that year).

Dave congratulates cameraman Dave Dorsett on fifty years in the biz; during Mailbag, a viewer asks why Dave doesn't throw stuff off the roof anymore, resulting in a flashback where Paul and his office supplies are thrown onto 53rd Street; The Exies perform ""My Goddess.""

Due to today's weather, Dave raises the temperature inside the theater from 53 to 57 degrees; Dave comments on the Iraqi playing cards, then points out that Mickey Rooney is the 8 of diamonds; Jack Hanna brings two emus and an oryx (an African antelope) onstage.

Sam Moore sits in again; Carmen Rasmussen of ""American Idol"" presents the Top Ten; John Malkovich promotes his new clothing line.

An Iraqi Republican guard that bears more than a passing resemblance to a dazed Calvert walks by Dave right after the monologue; Dave attempts to make ""Wash it, gas it, give me the keys"" his new catchphrase; Lily Chin (the world's fastest crocheter) makes Dave half of a sweater; The Minus 5 and Wilco join together to perform ""The Town That Lost Its Groove Supply.""

Mailbag: ""Whatever happened to the bear that mauled Alan Kalter?"" According to VH1's Where Are They Now?, the bear was fired for stealing a monitor in 1999, but he rebounded and now works in middle management for Oglivy & Mather. Dave invites the bear in to take a bow, and he runs over towards Alan in a frightening pose, then backs off and walks offstage. Also, Pulitzer Prize winner Robert A. Caro presents the Top Ten.

Dave has Kentucky Derby announcer Dave Johnson on the phone so he can hear him say, ""…and down the stretch they come!""; the latest ""Rejected FDA Items"" include baloney playing cards; Don Rickles does stand-up.

Prompted by an audience member's request the week before, Pat, Steph/Monty, and a new employee throw stuff off the roof throughout the show for the first time since 1998; Dave meets Christy Smith, the first disabled contestant to appear on ""Survivor"" (she's hearing-impaired).

Dave shows off his regular coffee mug, then a mug given to him by Dr. Phil that's almost twice that size, then the new, even larger Late Show mug; during ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" a man puts pennies up his nose with his tongue; Kelly Clarkson sings ""Miss Independent.""

Artiste Phillipe Petit walks on a metal cable 12 stories up and 120 feet long across Broadway.

A staffer dressed as Nightcrawler from the ""X-Men"" movies tries to hail a cab, but ends up on a rickshaw; Joe Lieberman presents the Top Ten; Ziggy Marley performs ""True to Myself.""

During Mailbag, Biff answers yet another question about his headset by unsuccessfully attempting to seduce the author of the letter; ten celebrity moms (including Dorothy) present the Top Ten; Marilyn Manson discusses painting with watercolors and later hangs out in the green room with the mothers.

Dave shows a CBS promo for ""Saddam Week""; a box of fish sticks and a bottle of perfume are subjected to a rare ""Will It Float?"" doubleheader; Albert Brooks promotes Finding Nemo and pretends to complain about his woes.

A high school senior in Jersey decides on his prom tuxedo, and ends up choosing a powder blue leisure suit; during ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" a pink poodle sorts out blocks of different shapes; Survivor: Amazon winner Jenna Morasca is interrogated on all fronts, with burning questions from Dave, Paul, Rupert, and Monty.

Dave reads the new disclaimer on the New York Times (""Not all articles are factual""); Chief Warrant Officers David Williams and Ronald Young, Jr. tell their incredible story of survival as Iraqi POWs; Jada Pinkett Smith promotes The Matrix Reloaded.

Biff walks the streets of New York City looking for celebrities, or, for that matter, celebrity lookalikes; during a cooking segment with Eric Ripert, Dave slings back a bottle of Jack Daniels; Avril Lavigne performs ""Losing Grip.""

Dave hypes some of the new shows that will be appearing on the networks this fall; Rupert Jee lets off a little steam on ""CBS Mailbag;"" Jack Johnson performs ""The Horizon Has Been Defeated.""

John Goodman discusses his ""promotion"" to President on The West Wing; Johnny Knoxville delivers Paul's cape; Nas and Alicia Keys perform ""Warrior Song.""

Dave does the ""Charts and Graphs"" segment for the first time in over a year; Mark Wahlberg talks about his girlfriend, unborn child, and new house; The Sounds perform ""Seven Days a Week.""

After Dave makes a joke about CBS' recent miniseries about Adolf Hitler, Paul and the band plays ""Danke Schoen;"" a woman is given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to call, and then hang up on Regis; Alan has a few words to say about ""American Idol;"" Jim Carrey shows off his idea for a reality show; Chevelle performs ""Send The Pain Below.""

Dave announces that he has ""nitrogen narcosis."" Later, during CBS Mailbag, Harold Larkin recalls his harrowing experience of being stuck in an elevator for three hours... with Regis!

Dave shows off the latest oversized Late Show mug; Regis admits his contempt for last night's comedy bit at Hello Deli; 3 Doors Down performs ""The Road I'm On.""

Dave announces that the unwieldy-huge Late Show mug that debuted last night is available for parties, and Dave attempts to sip some coffee out of it; Liam Lynch performs his novelty hit ""United States of Whatever.""

Throughout the night, Biff assembles a Weber Grill in the lobby; half the audience is comprised of sailors; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar delivers Paul's cape.

In honor of a recent Team Rahal victory, Dave makes car noises; Steph/Monty discusses last weekend's Indianapolis 500 via telephone; ""What's on the Barbeque"" finds Biff trying to guess what type of meat is being cooked on the grill built last week on the show; Dave tries to persuade tonight's guests to also make engine noises.

Tisziji Munoz (a mentor of Paul's) sits in on guitar; Rupert and a Long Island girl play ""Stop the Slicer""; Alan introduces a video montage of what are intended to be various celebrities, but Dave criticizes him and Alan starts sobbing; Alec Baldwin tells an amusing story about his hypochondria.

Dave mentions that Tom Arnold will be filling in for him Friday night; staffer Eddie Valk participates in ""Can a Guy in a Horse Suit Get into FlashDancers?"" After successfully enter the nudie bar, Eddie then attempts to hail a taxi but ends up annoying passerby.

Dave and Paul discuss skin diving; Dave makes the new Hillary Clinton memoirs the butt of several jokes; Seth Green promotes The Italian Job.

Tom Arnold fills in for Dave as he takes yet another night off. Later on, Tom welcomes longtime ""SNL"" cast member Darrell Hammond and rock group Train.

Dave talks about a weekend onion-slicing accident involving his pinky, which results in a medical procedure live on stage.

Dave and Paul play ""Millionaire or Kenny?"" Later, Barbara Gaines (making a rare on-camera appearance) receives a surprise birthday cake; Bruce Willis shows off his new hairdo.

Dave hollers about being the only person in the entire building who wasn't invited to a staff fondue party for Mary Barclay; billards champ Jeanette ""Black Widow"" Lee does a few trick shots; Patricia Heaton and Murray Walker promote their autobiographies.

Lauren Graham talks about her recent real estate acquisition; Marv Albert shows some of his favorite bloopers.

On ""CBS Mailbag,"" Alan Kalter is beaten up by leprechauns, plus Dave welcomes Harrison Ford, which gives him the chance to rehash a favorite line: ""I bought my first car at ""Harrison Ford!""

Host Tom Green (an Ottawa Senators fan) gets body-checked by Scott Stevens of the rival New Jersey Devils. Also, comedian Isaac Witty and singer-songwriter Damien Rice make their respective network television debuts.

Dave celebrates an important milestone; Biff Henderson goes to a senior prom in New Jersey; Dave chats with Hillary Clinton.

Rupert and Dave play ""Name That Baldwin""; Rob Reiner brags about his recent weight loss; Paul Teutel and Paul Teutel Jr. of the cable reality show American Chopper demonstrate their knack for building motorcycles.

B.B. King sits in with the band; Biff teaches Dave how to ride a Segway; ""Dr. William Gammons"" gives the audience advice on monkeypox.

Kelsey Grammer (aka Frasier Crane) talks about his 20-month-old daughter, then chats with fellow deep-voiced thespian James Earl Jones.

Demi Moore promotes her new movie ""Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle,"" her first major studio movie in six years. Later, Dave welcomes singer-songwriter Michelle Branch.

Drew Barrymore promotes her new movie; Simon Cowell of ""American Idol"" fame talks about his new reality show ""Cupid.""

Dave reminds the nation that he still definitely wants I-465 (the interstate around Indianapolis) named David Letterman Expressway, then announces that tomorrow he plans to offer the mayor of Indianapolis an enormous bribe to get the wheels turning. Later, Avril Lavigne sings ""SK8ER BOI.""

During ""Who Asked For It?,"" Alan uses CPR as an excuse to make out with an audience member; Dave makes his first PA announcement in almost four years, telling the crowd outside the theater that they're about to be hosed with ""Mountain Dew"" (water); Dave chats with a six-year-old girl from Florida who ran a controversial lemonade stand.

Dave talks about his recent trip to the dentist. Later, Stephanie ""Monty"" Birkett dresses up as a princess for ""CBS Mailbag.""

Jimmy Fallon of ""SNL"" fame sings an original composition about December-May relationships. Later, he chats with Chloe Sevigny and ""Late Show"" writer Bill Scheft.

Dave half-jokingly announces his candidacy for Ohio's seat in the US Senate, then flirts with Lisa Marie Presley.

George Clarke and Dave play ""Would You Like To Ride In Our Freight Elevator?"" Later, Dave welcomes an elderly (if not faithful) fan who made it to the audience after watching the show every night for 15 years.

Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Barry Zito stands on the roof of the Broadway Theater, throwing baseballs at the Ed Sullivan Theater windows. Later, Grandaddy performs ""Now It's On.""

Steph/Monty dresses up as a cowgirl for CBS Mailbag; Ari Fleishcher talks about his 2 1/2 years as Dubya's press secretary; Beyonce sings her smash hit ""Crazy In Love.""

Dave ventures into the audience for yet another round of ""Know Your Current Events;"" Jeff Bridges promotes the movie ""Seabiscuit.""

Dave chats with Aron Ralston, the mountain climber who had to amputate his own arm following a climbing accident.

In honor of one of this summer's biggest blockbusters, Dave plays ""How Many Guys In Pirate Costumes Can Fit Into a Sandwich Shop?"" Later, Jane's Addiction performs ""Just Because.""

Biff celebrates his 56th birthday in grand style; Dave kills a bug on his desk; Dave chats with a nonogenarian weightlifter.

Following last night's performance by Jane's Addiction, ""Mr. S"" (Paul) hires backup dancers for the CBS Orchestra; Osama offers condolences to Saddam; Ten baseball greats present a special Top Ten about the perks of being in the Hall of Fame.

Stephanie, dressed as a jockey, counts off the letters for ""CBS Mailbag."" (Her horse has its own way of signifying ""number two."") Later, British Open champion Ben Curtis shoots golf balls off the roof of the theater.

Dave wants to know if the 500 feet of co-axial cable being used in tonight's ""Will It Float?"" is coiled or not. When he finds out that it is coiled, he demands it to be uncoiled. Later, Queens of the Stone Age perform their hit ""Go With The Flow.""

Dave meets a six-year-old bowling phenom; Jason Biggs promotes the movie ""American Wedding.""

Pete Fatovich serenades Dave on the accordion; Rupert goes water skiing; Eugene Levy and Paul look back on their long friendship.

As a tribute to George Miller, Dave repeatedly uses his favorite catch phrase, ""In my pants!"" Meanwhile, a commercial that Dave taped reveals that California governor Gray Davis once beat a man to death with a crowbar in a convinence store.

Dave thinks somebody is ""monkeying"" with his chair; Stephanie dresses up as a mountie; Alan debuts his new show ""You're Busted!"" during CBS Mailbag.

A man on fire rushes upon the stage, and Dave struggles to put out the flames. Later, Naomi Watts talks about her dog, which she has named Bob.

A barbershop quartet interrupts Dave during the monologue; Biff plays DH for the Brockton Rox baseball team; Alan has a special message for Liza Minelli.

Rupert and George Clarke square off to see who can eat the most raw oysters. Later, Colin Farrell promotes the movie ""S.W.A.T.""

Dave contacts Indianapolis mayor Bart Peterson's office via telephone, and his assistant tells him that renaming the I-465 is a possibility. Later, John Mayer sang ""Your Body is a Wonderland.""

Dave and Paul play ""Referee or Foot Locker Employee?""; Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly talks about a lifetime of experiences as a celebrity golf caddy.

Motocross ""badass"" Carey Hart does a few stunts on 53rd St.; Stephanie dons a Little Bo Peep get-up for ""CBS Mailbag;"" ""Arnold Schwarzenegger"" (Gerard) drops by; Brittany Murphy promotes ""Uptown Girls"" (and gets in a few good-natured rips on former beau Ashton Kutcher); Dashboard Confessional sings.

A pair of buglers interrupt the monologue; David Duchovny talks about how he is unintentionally scaring his daughter; The New Amsterdams perform ""Spoils of the Spoiled.""

""Grinder Girl"" Kiva Kahl fills in tonight for the Late Show Dancers; Chris Rock talks about his upcoming gig as host of the MTV Video Music Awards; The Star Spangles perform.

Rupert selects a contestant for ""Stop The Slicer;"" Bill Murrays shows off his look and plugs ""Lost In Translation;"" Pete Sampras discusses his recent retirement.

Venus and Serena Williams present a special Top Ten list. Later, David Spade promotes ""Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star.""

During CBS Mailbag, Stephanie dons a kilt, while it is revealed that George Clarke resorted to cannibalism during the big blackout two weeks ago. Later, Rooney performs ""I'm Trying.""

Dave says he is feeling ""bilious,"" and that he will be going to an anger management course in Pennsylvania this weekend; during CBS Mailbag, Kenny professes his love to Pat on an episode of ""Trading Spaces""; Jimmy Fallon offers Paul a cape for his weekly breakdown.

53rd Street is the stage for the Purina® Dog Chow diving competition; Dave has choice words for Don Hewitt, who disliked a ""60 Minutes"" joke from last friday's show; Dave shows ""Rejected FDA Items"" such as Elmer's® glue with ten essential vitamins and minerals, ""Goat-umms®,"" and Tums® Spicy Jalapeño; Steph/Monty takes a plunge into the doggie water.

A recurring joke for the night (which involved an ice ball called Quaoar) is botched when Harold Larkin disappears; Senator John McCain plugs his new book ""Worth the Fighting For""; David Sedaris stands at a little podium and reads one of his hilarious essays.

Tonight's desk time begins with trouble. A housefly is buzzing Dave, then lands on a guest chair. Dave takes a swat at it and declares ""Late Show"" a no-fly zone. Later, George Clarke is caught consuming glue.

America's fastest-growing whoop-tee-do, ""Stump the Band,"" has the CBS Orchestra so excited that Paul is doing his horrible Carnac impression again. Later, Michelle Pheiffer promotes ""White Oleander.""

During CBS Mailbag, someone asks ""Who is the smartest person on the Late Show staff?"" Dave points out that Late Show Film Coordinator Rick ""Shecky"" Scheckman is very well-read. George Clarke interrupts to make his case, but Dave isn't buying it. Shortly afterwards, George picks up an armload of library books, then drops them from a window onto Shecky on the street. Shecky kicks the bucket.

Dave shows a newspaper ad from Indy for the Dancers Showclub, instructing guests to take 12B off the ""Dave Letterman Expressway."" He thanks them by promoting the nudie club near the end of the show. Also, Pink sings ""Family Portrait.""

Dave announces he's been named the 17th-most-powerful person in show business; Don Rickles' torso is the supposed mystery scan on the ""Late Show Celebrity X-Ray Challenge""; Faith Hill discusses her five-year-old daughter's love of Aerosmith.

Dave walks around during the monologue; Sam Moore (of Sam & Dave fame) sits in; a giant rat flies over New York City; Naomi Watts promotes ‘The Ring.""

According to Dave, scientists have discovered a massive black hole at the center of our Milky Way galaxy. Head carpenter Harold Larkin is good enough to open the side stage door so we can have a look. The black hole sucks Harold's pants off. Later, Alan professes his love for the Anaheim Angels' Rally Monkey.

During CBS Mailbag, George Clarke receives a mint-flavored flu shot, and we learn where the blue index cards go after each show (the furnace). Later, Late Show warm-up comedian Eddie Brill does standup.

Steph/Monty asks ""Survivor 5"" loser Robb Zbacnik two very interrogating questions: 1. ""How did you find the weather in Thailand?"" 2. ""Did you see or touch any monkeys?"" Also, Anaheim Angels pitcher Scott Spiezio presents the Top Ten via satellite, Bonnie Hunt surprises Dave by wearing glasses during her interview; Christina Aguilera sings ""Beautiful.""

Intuitive Deborah Lynn ready for another dismal failure in ""Psychic Sandwich""; Dave looks at a Cooking Light magazine for some unexplained reason; Salma Hayek promotes ""Frida.""

It's a somber and bittersweet night as Dave brings out longtime friend Warren Zevon as his only guest. Zevon was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the second half of the episode is just him performing. -- heystu

Amongst this year's ""New Halloween Costumes:"" Dr. Phil, a ""Marlboro Grocery Check-Out order divider,"" and a trio of Saddam Hussein doubles. Plus, ten drill instructors present the Top Ten, Jerry Seinfeld comments on terrorism, and Foo Fighters perform ""All My Life.""

During CBS Mailbag, George Clarke explains why breakfast is the most important meal of the day, while Dave has an exclusive interview with ""Lizzie Grubman"" (actually Gerard Mulligan). Later, Dave welcomes his old buddy Don Rickles.

During ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" a couple from Chicago switches underwear with each other without taking off their clothes; former Mets manager Bobby Valentine presents the Top Ten; Sean Hayes of ""Will & Grace"" fame plugs the TV biopic ""Martin & Lewis.""

Dave shows (bogus) footage of Bill Clinton accepting the nomination for a third term in office; Julianne Moore plugs ""Far From Heaven""; 14-year-old sports journalist Grant Paulson gives his two cents about current events.

Dave accuses Indianapolis mayor Bart Peterson of letting the expressway thing go through, and then makes an ultimatum. Later, a ""Kid Inventor"" from Tampa demonstrates her ""Easy Fill Garbage Bag System.""

During Mailbag, James Jackson ""Biff"" Henderson ""answers"" a question about his name by standing around with the Hi-Ho girls; Dave points out that this his 1900th episode on CBS, give or take a special; legendary TV director and fashion model Hal Gurnee brings Paul his cape.

Steph/Monty analyzes the recent election; Robin Williams promotes his ""Live on Broadway"" CD; ten astronauts present the Top Ten.

Dave apologizes to his Broadway neighbors for setting off fireworks the previous night; Dave points out that in Europe, the name of Eminem's new movie is ""12.875 Kilometer""; Missy Elliott performs ""Work It.""

Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits sits in; Joe Pantoliano plugs his new book; amongst the potential bestsellers coming out this Christmas: More Advice I Pulled Out of My Ass by Dr. Phil.

During a timeline of a day in the life of Saddam Hussein, we learn that Iraqi People Weekly has named him ""Sexiest Man Alive"" for the tenth straight year. Also, Pat and Kenny read another Oprah transcript, this time with Kenny playing an overexcited Goldie Hawn.

CBS Mailbag: A viewer asks, ""How would New York City be different if you were mayor?"" We then go outside to where two police officers are cracking down on a parking violator. His punishment? He has to sit in the Late Show audience.

The entire audience for tonight's show is from Schoharie, New York. In honor of his generosity, the street that goes to the local sewer plant has been renamed ""David Letterman Lane."" Also, ""Biff Henderson's America"" visits Schoharie, the mayor of the village presents the Top Ten, and matchbox twenty performs ""Disease.""

Dave asks Harold Larkin if he watched the Lenoid Meteor Shower last night. He then opens the exit next to the stage, where, with the magic of green-screen, the moon explodes. Also, Shania Twain sings ""I'm Gonna Getcha Good!""

Adam Sandler expresses a desire to hang out with Dave. Also, the Pussycat Dolls burlesque troupe performs with special guest Carmen Electra.

Dave points out that a doctor in England recently did an autopsy for a paying audience. Cut to George Clarke, in the boiler room, who by coincidence is also conducting an autopsy... on a chicken. George is unable to determine the cause of death, but the corpse sure is tasty!

During Mailbag, a viewer asks if Biff ever takes off his headset. Dave spins the query by asking what he listens to on those things. Biff then removes the headset and puts it up to the boom microphone. We can hear the opening theme and intro of Jay Leno's show. Biff quickly adds, ""I only listen to the monologue.""

Lisa Kudrow promotes ""Analyze That"" while Audioslave brings the house down (almost literally) with a scorching rendition of ""Cochise.""

Production staff member Eddie Valk tries to answer the question, ""Can a Guy in a Turkey Suit Hail a Cab?"" Apparently not. Later, Steph/Monty grills George Clooney about his nude scene in the film ""Solaris.""

Dave rants about a false alarm on a New York City blizzard; amongst the potential bestselling gifts for Christmas is a futuristic clock that tells the time one hour in the future; Bill DeLace presents ""Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear in a Supermarket.""

For Thanksgiving, Marv Albert sits at Dorothy's kitchen table, eagerly anticipating one of her world-famous pies. Also, The Strokes perform ""Someday.""

During Mailbag, Dave mentions that he's been a very good boy this year and that he wants a John Deere riding mower for Christmas. Also, comedian Jann Karam talks about her boyfriend.

A giant rat knocks over the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center; during ""Stephanie Birkett, Official Pollster,"" Dave's assistant asks a man on the street if Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is gay; Sum 41 performs ""Still Waiting.""

Throughout the night, Biff attempts to build an IKEA bookshelf in the theater lobby. Despite using only the Swedish instructions and claiming ""I can't build s***,"" the bookshelf is completed by the end of the show.

During ""KYCE,"" a cop attempts to punch Dave; Allison Janney plugs ""The Hours.""

Dave waxes philosophy: ""I believe there isn't a man, woman, or child who doesn't enjoy a lovely beverage."" Also, comedian Mike Birbiglia makes his network television debut.

Dave repeatedly shows a ""60 Minutes"" clip showcasing Lesley Stahl's unique facial movements; as they do every year, Rupert, Joe G, Mujibur, and Sirajul decorate the Late Show Christmas Tree; Coldplay performs ""In My Place""; the giant meatball on the tree falls apart.

Osama and his half-awake sidekick sing ""We Wish You a Merry Christmas."" Also, Dave ponders, ""How Many Guys In Santa Suits Can Fit Into a Coffee Shop?"" By the end of the show, there are 19 Santas with beards, 5 without facial hair, and one guy dressed up as Superman standing in the shop.

Greg Adams of The Tower of Power horn section sits in; Osama and his sidekick sing Christmas carols; Dave reads Daniel Boloud's cookbook.

George Clarke takes a bath in the ""Will It Float?"" tank; the sixteen stars of ""Survivor: Thailand"" present the Top Ten; Phish performs ""All of These Dreams.""

Osama Bin Laden wishes Dave a merry christmas via video greeting card; Gerard Mulligan has something to say to Al Gore during ""CBS Mailbag;"" an annual tradition continues as Jay Thomas tries to knock the meatball of the Late Show Christmas Tree.

During ""Is This Anything?,"" a man swallows a neon light sword. Dave and Paul agree that this is something, but only because of the danger involved.

Dave shows a copy of George Foreman's new book, followed by a ""Michael Caine Grill""; Stephanie dances like her unnamed ex-boyfriend to the band playing Rod Stewart's ""Do You Think I'm Sexy?""; Michael Caine promotes The Quiet American.

Dave discusses his experiences with shampooing over the years, and announces that earlier today he inadvertently conditioned before shampooing. Lo and behold, there's absolutely no difference! Also, Chris Elliott makes his twentieth-odd triumphant return to the Late Show.

The shirtless father and son from that White Sox-Royals game in 2002 are elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame; Merv Griffin promotes his autobiography; Interpol performs ""PDA.""

Ten members of the 82nd Airborne Division based in Afghanistan present the Top Ten. The soldier who presents #6 proposes to his girlfriend, who accepts via telephone. Also, today's ""Late Show Fun Fact"" reveals that Wink Martindale once beat a ""Tic-Tac-Dough"" contestant with his bare hands.

Mailbag: Dave shows an ad for the mother of all reality shows, ""Bachelorette Millionaire Boat Survivor Race Factor Idol."" He also tries to make sense out of ""Rael"" (Gerard), a Quebecois cult leader who supposedly cloned the first human earlier this week. After revealing the first cloned baby is really a dog, he rebounds with ""Rael's Pigskin Pick of the Week.""

Dave talks football, while Jimmy Kimmel promotes his upcoming talk show on ABC.

Dave announces that today is the 3rd anniversary of his quintuple bypass, and upon mentioning this, Regis interrupts the jokes to give Dave a quick check-up. ""You're screwed,"" Regis proclaims. Throughout the night, Dave reflects on the bypass, claiming he ran five miles six weeks after the bypass. Near the end of the show, Dave tells former announcer Bob Sarlette that his cholesterol is a healthy 46.

Dave shows a bogus eulogy by the network commemorating yesterday's big anniversary; Sandra Bullock promotes Two Weeks Notice; Dave asks Biff to check the weather outside, and watches as several penguins waddle through Broadway.

CBS won't stop airing their 30-second eulogy to the ""late, great"" Dave; Dave shows a promo for the upcoming Survivor: Jihad, then wishes a happy birthday to an audience member.

Mailbag: ""Who do you consider to be your best friend from the Late Show?"" Paul responds to this question by performing an original song dedicated to his best friend in the whole wide world, the man who changed his life for the better for the last twenty-one years, boom operator Al Norwood.

Osama praises ""Kangaroo Jack"" for his contempt for the infidels; Steph/Monty reviews the aforementioned movie, then makes a daring Super Bowl prediction (Bucs by 26!); ""Dwight the Troubled Teen"" (an Asian woman) vividly expresses his hatred of Alan.

It's so cold outside, Alan's hair has turned a light shade of blue, but it turns out to be a Clairol® mishap. Also, Dave bids farewell to longtime comic foils Mujibur and Sirajul by giving them a Hoover Steamvac vacuum cleaner, and Regis talks football.

Alan's hair has now turned green; Paul tries to spin a ball on a parasol like the lady who appeared in tonight's ""Is This Anything?"", but fails miserably; Tina Fey promotes the Saturday Night Live (Super Bowl) Halftime Special.

In a new, experimental segment, reporter Penny Crone contributes a ""Local News Update of the Night""; Dave admits that his friends are getting sick of ""Is This Anything?"", but he keeps on doing it anyway; Zwan performs ""Honestly.""

Mailbag: George Clarke has learned to speak Italian: ""Imgana cuccia nutsoff."" Also, fertile make-up maven Michele O'Callaghan provides a cape for Paul's Friday night breakdown.

Dave congratulates Frank Comito upon the birth of his daughter; Biff reports from Super Bowl XXXVII; a capybara (a large rat) sits on Kate Hudson's head and eats a banana, with due thanks to Jack Hanna.

Upon showing off a fake invitation to Colin Powell's address to the United Nations, Dave starts singing a Paul Anka song; Alan hits on the wife of Hans Blix, and then later learns that he has just been fired and replaced.

During Mailbag, Dave shows a clip from the upcoming CBS drama ""CSI: Lancaster, PA""; the Kids in the Hall comedy troupe performs a skit about women's problems; Paul's Friday-night homage to James Brown is returned as the Godfather of Soul delivers his cape.

Alan is dressed as Saddam Hussein, claiming he's just trying to do his part; throughout the night, show dogs from the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show walk around the theater; Pat Farmer drinks paint; at the end of the show, Kenny Sheehan sneaks in disguised as a beagle.

Throughout the night, Steph/Monty shops at 21 on 52nd Street.

Steph/Monty is dressed in a kimono for ""Know Your Current Events""; Dave mentions that Dr. Phil will be on Monday, and he plans to open up a serious can of whoop-ass; Homer Simpson (voiced by Dan Castellaneta) presents the Top Ten.

Dave talks to ""Michael Jackson"" (actually Gerard) during CBS Mailbag. Later, comedian Dennis Regan rants about marriage.

Throughout the night, Steph/Monty measures the accumulated snowfall on the roof of the theater; Daytona 500 champion Michael Waltrip presents the Top Ten; Dr. Phil makes his first-ever appearance on the Late Show, and it appears that he can take a joke; Beck performs ""Lost Cause.""

A guy whose flight from LaGuardia to Atlanta was delayed by snow sits in with the band; Mayor Bloomberg presents the Top Ten; Alan wants Dwight the Troubled Teen to shovel snow.

Amongst the ""New Catalogs"": Crate & Barrel (with new barrel-sized crates), Starbucks Coffee by Mail, and something called ""International Monkey."" Also, Kevin Spacey does impressions of Elton John and Johnny Carson, while Alan threatens the sound engineer after a (supposed) gaffe on last night's show.

In honor of tonight's Turkey Calling Champions, Dave has a swig of Wild Turkey bourbon; ""Biff Henderson's America"" makes a stop in Palomar Mountain, California, where he stands out on a ledge yelling out names of 50's-era wrestlers for an echo; The Flaming Lips perform ""Do You Realize?""

Solomon Burke sits in; during Mailbag, Dave points out that a nudist-friendly Kinko's has opened nearby, while ""police chief"" Bill DeLace complains that Dave and Harold Larkin have run the bleeding-neck gag into the ground; Dave chats with Lynne Cox, who swam a mile to Antarctica in near-freezing water.

Dave mentions that Paul and Alan were involved with last night's Grammy Awards; Rupert asks ""non-surviving Survivor"" Janet Koth if there was any hanky-panky in the Amazon (but of course); Steve Martin shows (bogus) clips of some of his less memorable appearances on the Late Show, including dangling a baby off a third-floor balcony.

Dave mentions that he woke up this morning with a swollen eye, then hypothesizes that it's either an irritation, infection or inflammation; during ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" a man juggles and removes his shirt at the same time; Norah Jones is presented with a Grammy© made out of lunch meat.

Dave's worsening eye infection puts him on the bench indefinitely, so scheduled guest Bruce Willis fills in for Daddy. Amongst tonight's highlights: Bruno and George Clarke duct tape plastic sheets on the backdrop; the ""Lean Mean EZ CD Opening Machine"" (a sledge hammer) is demonstrated; Paul interviews Bruce, then Bruce sits in with the band on harmonica; John Mayer performs ""Why Georgia.""

Tennis great John McEnroe fills in for Dave, whose condition has not improved; Fred Schnieder of The B-52's fills in for Paul, whom, according to Bones Malone, has an appointment with Dr. Phil; John and Tom Arnold help Eric Ripert make Black Pepper and Cognac Shrimp.

Season 11

Dave chats with Stephanie about a (supposed) incident that occurred over the weekend; Alan makes a suggestive offer to Secretary of Labor Elaine L. Chao; Al Franken promotes his new book.

Kings of Leon perform their breakthrough hit, "Molly's Chambers."

Biff searches for celebrities on the street; recently retired General Tommy Franks looks back at his illustrious military career.

"CBS Mailbag," including Stephanie dressed as Batman, "CBS Vice President of Late Night Programming Vinnie Favale," and "George W. Bush" (Gerard).

Paul's "Stump the Band" losing streak continues; Whoopi Goldberg promotes her new sitcom.

Dave welcomes 2003 U.S. Open Men's Tennis Champion Andy Roddick and actor Jack Black. Dave remembers the late Warren Zevon with the Show #1895 tape of Warren singing "Mutineer" on October 30, 2002; Paul and the band play Warren Zevon bumper music throughout the show.

Rick Derringer sits in with the band; a woman from Staten Island participates in "May We See Your Digital Photos, Please?"; Chris Elliott comments on current events.

An opera singer performs in the hallway; the recently deceased Charles Bronson declares his candidacy for Governor of California; Dave and Sharon Stone make out.

Steph/Monty dresses up as Don Mattingly for CBS Mailbag; she closes the segment by playing catch with Dave.

Dave has a major announcement to make; Cuba Gooding, Jr. promotes The Fighting Temptations; Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel sing "America" and "The Boxer."

Dave shows an (bogus) political ad in which Dennis Kucinich announces he's marrying Lorenzo Lamas; in an all-dog edition of "Stupid Pet Tricks," one canine says hello to Dave; Ernest Borgnine presents the Top Ten.

On "Audience Show & Tell," Dave make his contribution to an audience member's collection of gum chewed by celebrities; "Will It Float?" sinks a tray of billiard balls; Bill Cosby does stand-up; Lou Reed capes; Toby Lightman sings.

The studio audience votes Dave off the show, so Gaines orders Paul to take over during "Survivor Loser." When Dave reappears during Paul's interview with Richard Hatch, Paul goes to a commercial. Later, a miffed (and naked) Hatch walks into the backdrop during Anne Heche's visit.

National Turkey Calling champs are trotted out; Ryan Seacrest presents the "Top Ten Catch Phrases Ryan Seacrest Rejected Before 'Seacrest Out!'" (via satellite); Julia Stiles visits; Jessica Simpson sings.

During Mailbag, Biff goes to bed with a guy named Cameron Diaz; George Clarke fills in for Anna Jack on hula hoop; Alan admits to a $1000-a-week addiction to Vicodin; Robert Randolph and the Family Band brings the house down with "Going In The Right Direction."

Dave announces that he's on steroids, then shows before-and-after photos to prove his point; Biff goes on a cruise; the outside cam finds Bill Murray lying in the gutter, a desperate and broken man; "Oprah" (Pat Farmer) interviews "Beyonce" (Kenny Sheehan).

Twelve-year-old piano prodigy Chloe Pang plays Bach's "Goldberg Variations." Dave is almost brought to tears by the performance, declaring it one of the show's best.

Dave points out that for the nineteenth year in a row, the WMDB/CBS Orchestra will be the house band for the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies; Dave and Les Moonves chat via telephone; Jim Carrey and Dave attempt a "talk show without talk" that only lasts about 47 seconds.

After two weeks of plugging their product, Dave shows a single Shick Quattro razor the company sent, and reads a very peculiar letter to Gaines from someone in the company; the Top Ten is now sponsored by myheadhurts.com; Canadian satirist Bruce McCall promotes his new book; The Vines perform "Ride."

Miss America 2004 Ericka Dunlap presents the Top Ten List; Dave tells the story of his weekend encounter with a bear at his house in Montana; Dr. Phil gives Dave some parenting tips.

Cold opening: Tom Hanks gives Harry Letterman an Oscar, and Dave accepts it on his behalf. Later, the Ladykillers star gives the absentee infant a $50 savings bond, while Congressman Dennis Kucinich presents the Top Ten.

All-American basketball player Andre Barrett throws various items off the roof, aiming towards a basketball hoop at ground level, the misses the basket on all six chances. Also, Al Franken promotes his upcoming liberal-friendly radio network.

Mailbag: George Clarke's attempt at surgically losing weight is thwarted when some guy steals his clothes. Also, Blondie performs "Good Boys."

Throughout the night, Columbia University professor and 1999 Nobel laureate in economics Dr. Robert Mundell tells lame redneck jokes; Bill DeLace presents another hidden-camera remote Top Ten; Janet Jackson is grilled at length by Dave on her "wardrobe malfunction" at this year's Super Bowl.

After weeks of shilling their product, Dave finally receives a thousand Schick Quattro razors in the mail, then promises to give them out to the audience. Unfortunatly, Gaines and Laurie Diamond tell Dave that the staff has already taken their fair share of the razors. Later in the show, he compensates by having Rupert, the Hi-Ho girls, and a British guy giving candy and razors to the audience.

A minor controversy that started earlier in the week is resolved by a very apologetic CNN anchorwoman (see recap). Also, Dave congratulates Craig Kilborn on five years at CBS.

Audience Show & Tell: a husband and wife tandem demonstrates a neat trick involving a yo-yo and a shiny quarter. Also, Dave chats with Tyler Crotty, the tired pre-teen who has been at the center of a minor controversy on the Late Show for the last week. For appearing on the show, Dave gives Tyler several cans of Red Bull. Also, very tall man(Paul Olkowski) gives Dave a one arm hug before he shows a "glory day" highlight from 12 years ago when he sank a full-court shot on ESPN.

The Top Ten list is now sponsored by rake-attack.com, while Bruce Willis shows off his new, stealthy, Trump-style hairpiece.

Ben Stiller talks about his new movie, Duplex; Elvis Costello performs a song from his new CD, North.

Alan brings a video of celebrity well-wishers for Dave's 57th birthday (just a tape of a fleeing Regis); it's "More With Les," as Dave phones up CBS-TV head honcho Les Moonves; Billy Crystal plugs his new children's book; "A-Rod" chats, then jacks a few balls with Dave on 53rd Street.

Biff makes his annual trip to Spring Training, where he for the second year in a row, he and Hideki Matsui perform Abbott & Costello's "Who's on First?" routine; Jerry turns Dave upside down to preview Kai Leclerc's gravity-defying juggling act; "Dwight the Troubled Teen" makes another visit to Alan's booth.

Mailbag: After noticing that a letter-writer misspelled his name, Paul comes with a homonym for his moniker, resulting in a rival homonym from Biff. Also, Dave kisses a donkey, while Ruben Stoddard presents the Top Ten.

In the "season finale" of "Trump or Monkey?," a dancer from the musical Hairspray wins an alleged trip to Acapulco; David Duchovny discusses his son's linguistic skills; after getting bumped twice in the last year, NYC sportscaster Chris "Mad Dog" Russo is finally grilled by Dave.

Phil Mickelson brags about his victory at the 2004 Masters; James Lipton delivers Paul's cape.

al-Qaeda takes responsibility for Derek Jeter's batting slump; Dave resurrects his two favorite Cold Mountain sound clips; stuntman "Magic Brian" eats a lightbulb.

Dave declares that the new mission statement for the Late Show will be "We are here for you. We'll make things better." Also, Rupert hosts the debut edition of "Stop the Pump," a game involving pumping fuel at a gas station on the corner of 44th and 10th in Manhattan.

Dave announces that he's going to be "more dynamic," resulting in spasm-like movements by him and Paul; to accompany Steph/Monty/Smitty dressing as Amelia Earhart for Mailbag, Dave repeatedly orders to hear airplane SFX inbetween letters; Julianne Moore tells Dave what it's like to kiss Barbara Walters.

The theater audience is given the option of either having Tom Hanks drop by or watch stock footage of a camel on skis. Dave claims the camel tape won. Also, Dave thinks he's addicted to Bexstra, claiming "the inside of me itches."

An audience member turns her hand 360 degrees; Hillary Clinton discusses her husband's book and the war in Iraq; The Roots perform "Don't Say Nuthin'."

Cold opening: The Rock shows Lynne Cheney how to apply a "chicken wing" to Paul; New York Giants kicker Matt Bryant attempts rooftop field goals across 53rd Street.

Nobel Economics Prize winner Robert Mundell tells "Yo Mama" jokes; a woman off the street pretends to be in an earthquake with Rupert; Survivor All-Stars loser Shii-Ann Huang presents the Top Ten.

Ten celebrity moms (including Dorothy and Gerard as "Betty Lou Roberts") present the Top Ten, and later the faux mother of Julia Roberts delivers Paul's cape.

Dave announces that motorcyclist "Johnny McCoy" will be performing a very dangerous and complicated stunt out on 53rd Street, but it ends up getting cancelled; Dave makes Jerry play the airplane SFX again; it turns out Johnny McCoy can't even ride a motorcycle; Dave, Regis, and Paul weigh themselves.

A special edition of the show taped in the middle of the night. Dave arrives on horseback; vermin expert Robert Sullivan searches for rats; Dave shows footage of Eric Stangel trying to call Bob Borden from his apartment/hotel room; ten nighthawks present the Top Ten; Amy Sedaris takes a tour of her West Village neighborhood.

Chef Emil Castillo makes a $1000 frittata (read: omelet), and when completed, Dave smothers it with ketchup; Dave pays tribute to Tony Randall, who passed on that morning; Dave resolves a tickle in his throat with a bottle of Tanqueray.

Dave gives Steph/Monty/Smitty another weird nickname ("Gunther") while baseball star Randy "Big Unit" Johnson presents a perfect game-themed Top Ten.

Dave claims he has a rare form of tuberculosis, and that a Dave stand-in is waiting backstage for when the time comes; Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl reports from her apartment in Brooklyn to discuss a recent leg injury; Gary Mintz fills in for Kiva during "Will It Float?"; The Strokes perform "The End Has No End."

Dave's stand-in is still waiting for his cue; Dave demands to hear the airplane and Cold Mountain SFX again; the stars of The Sopranos perform the Top Ten; Nicole Kidman makes her first appearance on the show in three years.

Dave congratulates Sid McGinnis on becoming a grandfather; karate expert Leif Becker attempts to break 500 boards in a minute, but ends up tying his personal record of 415; ten NBA legends present the Top Ten; for the fourth show in a row, the credits roll over footage of Alan presenting flowers to an unknown woman.

Mailbag: Steph/Smitty/Gunther is dressed up as Rahal/Letterman racer Buddy Rice; the upcoming cable channel "Logo" declares the Late Show "the gayest show on television;" Dave is interrupted by "Gerry the Cicada" Mulligan, who attempts to dance the Lambada. Later, Gerry is invited back onstage to eat actual cicadas with Dave, Paul and bug expert Nate Erwin.

Dave announces that he's had another falling-out with CBS, which may or may not give him the justification to mock the network again; hundreds of sailors walk onstage for "Is This Anything?"; Darrell Hammond performs his best impressions, plus a new imitation of Senator John Kerry.

A 1 1/2 pound Porterhouse steak is subjected to "Will It Float?" and despite Dave's scientific argument that a dead animal would more than likely float in water, the meat sinks. Also, Bob Woodward discusses his new book and recent interview with George Bush.

Stephanie is Peter Pan for "CBS Mailbag;" "Joey Pants" promotes "The Handler;" Kevin Nealon; Outkast sings "Hey Ya."

Dave brags about his Indy 500 win last week; Alan's recap of the first game of the NBA Finals turns into a striptease; Bill Murray announces that he's now moonlighting as a circus clown, wearing an outfit to prove it.

In honor of one of tonight's guests (a spelling bee champ), Dave mentions that the most commonly used word in the English language is "biscuit"; a new game called "Cicada/Secada" is botched by Rupert's revealing of the game-board; Bette Midler promotes The Stepford Wives and discusses the joy of bowling.

Dave and Paul have a heated discussion over who would win a fight- "badass" Kid Rock or "nerves of steel" Buddy Rice; during Mailbag, Biff goes to Wisconsin to help out a law student, and ends up smashing a bottle over the kid's head; Dave tries on a racing helmet given to him by 2004 Indy 500 winner Buddy Rice.

In honor of his death earlier that day, Paul and the band performs Ray Charles' "What'd I Say"; Dave sends Matthew Broderick outside to get hosed with water; jazz pianist Jamie Cullum performs "All at Sea."

Jim Gaffigan comments on married life and becoming a father for the first time. Also, Paul Anka delivers Paul's cape for this Friday night James Brown homage, then in honor of the retirement of the long-standing gag, performs a parody of "My Way."

Dave shows us another photo of Harry; Paris Hilton discusses The Simple Life and her now-infamous sex tape; Patti Scialfa (Mrs. Bruce Springsteen) performs "23rd Street Lullaby."

To further promote Popeye's Green Beans, Dave and Paul eat Popeye's chicken and give fun facts; Ben Stiller attempts to break windows across the street with a dodge-ball, but ends up falling off the building.

Michael Moore discusses his infamous speech at the 2003 Oscars and promotes Fahrenheit 9/11; Dave tries on Miss Universe's sash and tiara; Los Lobos performs "Charmed."

Paul asks "Survivor 7" castaway Ryan "Skinny" Shoulders (who is wearing a Rage Against The Machine t-shirt) if he digs Audioslave; Denzel Washington promotes Out of Time; The New York Philharmonic performs "The Marriage of Figaro" atop the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theatre building.

Throughout the night, George Clarke eats fish sticks on the roof to honor a certain band performing on the marquee; for the third night in a row, Dave shows (well-edited) footage of a guy cheating on Jeopardy; Phish performs "Scents and Subtle Sounds" and unwittingly stops traffic in the process.

Dave announces that he and Paul will be in this weekend's Gay Pride parade; past contestant Jennie Ford plays "Super Trump or Monkey;" Ken Griffey, Jr. presents the Top Ten; Nicole Richie (reality star and adopted daughter to Lionel Richie) tells Dave how she conquered heroin addiction.

During a "New Products" segment, Dave sinks his teeth into some charcoal briquets, which he swallows with mouthwash. Also, The Secret Machines (in their TV debut) perform "Now Here to Nowhere."

"Know Your Current Events" is played for the first time in over six months; Dave spills coffee on his lap, and Paul suggests hydrogen peroxide to clean it off; "Dwight the Troubled Teen" breaks character to remind people not to download illegally.

Dave admits that after spending all weekend watching documentaries about building motorcycles, he wants a hog for himself. At the end of the show, Dave forms a motorcycle "gang" with Paul, Dave Dorsett, and Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes.

A husband and wife combo plays the "Late Show Bill Clinton Memoir Challenge," in which they must find the name "Monica" in his new book within thirty seconds. Later, Pat and Kenny recreate Oprah's recent interview with the former president.

Dave turns on the hose-cam again, shooting water at unsuspecting passersby; during Mailbag, Dave shows footage from the new Spiderman movie (actually the classic 60's cartoon) of Doc Ock torturing Spidey with a clip from the Late Show; Jon Heder promotes Napoleon Dynamite.

Two lumberjacks compete against each other out on 53rd Street, while Will Ferrell shows Dave a home movie of his four-month-old "baby" (a sports car).

The musical talents of Paul, Felecia, and Bruce are laid to waste once more on "Stump the Band"; "Fat Spider-Man" (George Clarke) presents a remote Top Ten; David Sedaris reads an except from his new book, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.

It's time for "How Many Guys in Gorilla Suits Can Fit Into a Eyeglass Store?" Quote Dave: "I was going to buy a pair of eyeglasses, but the optical store was full of gorillas."

In the debut edition of "Where They Would Have Gone For Their Summer Vacation," Biff tells Dave that Charles Bronson would've gone to Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut; Jeopardy! super-contestant Ken Jennings presents the Top Ten; Dave admits to Kristen Davis that he was "watching hard" while viewing Sex & the City reruns on TBS.

Dave continues to discuss motorcycles; Alan's baseball commentary is interrupted by the return of that guy who used to beat the daylights out of him several years back; to prove some sort of point, Will Smith sticks his butt in Dave's face.

Dave compares President Bush to Porky Pig; during Mailbag, a young, fairweather Letterman fan is thrown out of the theater; Hilary Duff promotes A Cinderella Story.

Audience Show & Tell: Dave chats with a meteorologist from Connecticut who was once mentioned on "Know Your Current Events." Also, Dorothy celebrates her 83rd birthday with a Dave stand-in and a refrigerator full of Red Bull and vodka.

Dave gloats over Rahal/Letterman Racing's visit to the White House earlier in the day; three stagehands attempt to smear a camera lens with sunscreen from 90 feet above street level; Denzel Washington promotes The Manchurian Candidate.

In honor of the 35th anniversary of the moonwalk, it's time for a new game at Hello Deli called "Would You Like to Plant a Flag on the Moon?" Rupert brings in a contestant from Yukon, Oklahoma, and Dave gives her a hard time about it.

We watch news footage of Pete Rose's restaurant being looted of everything except a Late Show t-shirt; while addressing the Sandy Berger controversy, Dave unwittingly spits on Tony; The Hives perform "Walk Idiot Walk."

An audience member from Cincinnati suspends a grape in air by blowing on it; Dave comments on Krispy Kreme's new doughnut shake, followed by a fake ad for Burger King's new liquid Whopper; Britney Murphy and Dave pinky-swear; troubled comedienne Paula Poundstone jokes about her time in detox.

The latest role call reveals that Michele O'Callaghan's five-month-old daughter (named "Zoogie") picks Dave's ties; Dave and Paul are dumbfounded by a pitching machine in a new game called "What Is It?"; Tim Robbins plugs "Mystic River"; Pat Farmer destroys the pitching machine.

With the Olympics approaching, Dave reminds the audience that he's on steroids; a standby audience member calls up Regis and tells him to shove it; Biff makes his second report from Boston; Dave scratches his chin in a borderline-offensive manner.

A remarkably ornery Dave attempts to apologize to Regis via telephone but hangs up on him, then answers every question on CBS Mailbag with a resilient "who cares?" Also, Bob Newhart discusses the statue built in honor of him in Chicago and then does a fairly decent impression of Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Biff tries unsuccessfully to interview Michael Moore; Natalie Portman talks about sleeping with her dog Charlie; Ambulance Ltd. performs "Primative."

Anton (still filling in for Paul) plays "Will It Float?" for the first time; Rosie Perez tells a funny story about an actor who spits when he speaks; Alan Kalter asks Dave to talk about his latest love of his life, then gets beaten up by the women's brother.

The guest chairs are replaced and Dave's desk has been altered; during "Who Asked For It?" an audience member vaporizes himself; Pamela Anderson brags about having sex without dating.

Former President Clinton discusses a wide variety of topics with Dave, then signs a copy of his book for Harry. Also, Natalie Merchant performs "Sally Ann."

Michael Bearden and Anton continue to fill in for Paul, prompting Dave to ask Anton how Paul would respond to some of his comments tonight; during Mailbag, Pat Farmer determines the length of a "New York Minute" but ends up getting robbed and beaten instead; "Tom Ridge" (Gerard) discusses homeland security, then breaks into song; Tom Cruise promotes Collateral.

Dave bids farewell to longtime writer Gerard Mulligan with a sitdown interview and a clip montage heavy on NBC-era footage.

Steph/Monty dresses as a letter carrier for "Know Your Current Events;" R.E.M. performs "Bad Day."

During CBS Mailbag, Alan dresses up as Saddam Hussein for his new hidden-camera show "Goof'd!" and gets beat up by several people on the street. Later, Robin Williams comments on the Tour de France.

Jessica Simpson mentions that she was on Oprah recently, much to Dave's chagrin; fill-in bandleader Todd Rundgren sings "Hello It's Me;" Pat Farmer drops 20,000 ping-pong balls from the roof.

Dave calls ousted California governor Gray Davis "a wanker;" Gary Coleman presents the Top Ten via satellite, then falls asleep; Tom Dressen talks baseball.

A man from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your 2003 Boston Red Sox;" ten Hooters Girls present the Top Ten; George Clooney plugs Intolerable Cruelty.

During CBS Mailbag, Alan has an awkward reunion with the first girl that ever kissed him, and "Ah-nuld" (Gerard) has an enlightened conversation with Dave. Later, Charlie Sheen promotes "Two and a Half Men."

Pat Farmer and an army of stagehands throws a special form of confetti off the roof of the theater; Steph/Monty tells "Survivor 7" loser Burton Roberts an alleged story about a woodpecker nipping her in the butt last weekend; Halle Berry brags that Robert Downey Jr. once broke her arm.

For the first time in several years, famed saxophonist David Sanborn sits in with the band; Dave announces he's going to rehab, then demands to have some Dunkin' Donuts; John Cusack promotes Runaway Jury; 2003 Indy Car champion Scott Dixon.

Dave congratulates Conan O'Brien on his newborn daughter; ten weightlifters present the Top Ten; noted physics professor Brian Greene tries to explain the mysteries of the universe.

Ten US Soldiers in Iraq present the Top Ten via satellite; Dustin Hoffman plugs "The Runaway Jury," British chef Jamie Oliver cooks some scallops.

For CBS Mailbag, Steph/Monty dresses up as a soccer player and kicks balls (poorly) into the audience. Later, Radiohead performs "2+2=5."

Paul sneezes during the monologue; the band area is remodeled; Biff makes his annual report from the World Series; a 1,030-pound pumpkin explodes (via SFX) outside.

Dave announces that he's been transferred to Chesterton, Indiana; on tonight's "Meet the Governor," a young Ah-nuld ogles an exotic dancer; Courtney Cox Arquette almost sings TLC's "Waterfalls;" after a one-day rain delay, a real pumpkin explodes.

Steph/Monty dresses up as an elf on a rare Wednesday CBS Mailbag; during Mailbag, Rupert takes part in his yearly tradition of watching the coleslaw change colors; Dave is so fascinated by Canadian "sexpert" Sue Johanson that he interviews her twice.

The Slapinski Brothers, world-class jugglers, interrupt the monologue; Dave points out that Rupert was on last night's episode of "Ed"; Dante Hall of the Kansas City Chiefs catches a football on 53rd Street.

Amongst this year's "New Halloween Costumes": a George Foreman grill, the button on the remote control that you never use, and the "Queer Eye" fab five. Also, Rosie Perez delivers Paul's cape for his weekly, blues-induced breakdown.

The 2003 NYC Marathon winners make their annual run through the studio; eliminated "Survivor 7" hopefuls Shawn Cohen (who was voted out) and Osten Taylor (the guy who quit the game) drop by Rupert's; Ashley Judd reminisces with Paul; comedian/conspiracy-theorist Richard "John Munch" Belzer visits; Sarah McLachlan performs solo at the piano; Alan moos like a cow.

Dave gives a recap of the events leading up to -- and including -- the birth yesterday of son Harry Joseph Letterman; "Indian Larry" performs motorcycle stunts on 53rd Street; Regis continues his string of appearances tied to memorable occasions; Amy Brennaman chats about the 100th episode of "Judging Amy."

During Mailbag, Steph/Monty dresses up a police officer, while Dave tries to make some sense out of "Liza Minnelli" (Gerard in fishnet stockings). Later, it is revealed that the winner of the "Guess the Name of Dave's Baby Contest" is Dave himself.

Amongst the "New Catalogs": Harry & David Pre-Owned Fruit, Victoria's Secret for Monkeys, and special edition of California Style in which all the models have been groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger; Howard Stern mentions to Dave that the impersonator that regularly calls into his show is a big fan and meant no harm; Iggy Pop featuring Sum 41 perform "Little Know It All."

An elf named Perry helps out during "Know Your Current Events"; Bert and Ernie (of "Sesame Street" fame) diss Dave; Lauren Graham talks about a recent parking ticket.

Dave announces that Oprah gave him a gift on behalf of the new baby, only to realize that it was delivered by somebody with the same name; throughout the night, weightlifter Willie Wessels demonstrates super-human feats out on 53rd Street; Norm McDonald plugs "A Minute with Stan Hooper."

Cold Opening: Dave compliments Madonna's latest children's book: "I like the picture of the monkey." Also, Chris Elliott introduces Dave's son Harry, who says his first words: "S***."

A sheep herder walks into the theater with his flock along side him; Pink sings "Trouble."

During "Know Your Current Events," a visiting audience member from Liverpool, England is quizzed on his knowledge of Prince Charles. Later, potential Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Al Franken delivers Paul's cape.

As part of his legendary "fashion show" gag, Dave models the lining of his sportcoat; Dave tells a story involving a mother and two sons trying to hitch a taxi this morning; a timeline of Ah-nuld's first day in office as Governor of California is nothing more than a recap of all those "Meet the Governor" clips.

An arm-wresting challenge is held at Hello Deli; child actress Dakota Fanning plugs "The Cat in the Hat."

Ashrita "Mr. Versatility" Furman balances beer glasses on his chin on 53rd St.; eleven Playboy Playmates present the Top Ten; Dave grills General Wesley Clark about his dismissal from the Army.

Dave and Paul play "Potatoes or Gavin MacLeod?"; Dave openly wishes that Paris Hilton had not cancelled her appearance on the show next week; Robert Downey Jr. makes his first appearance on the show since early 1996; 16-year-old singer-songwriter Joss Stone performs.

Biff spends a day on the campaign trail with Howard Dean; Gerard stands in for unavailable Survivor loser Rupert Boneham; Paul Newman discusses all things auto racing; Clay Aiken sings "Invisible" from his CD Measure Of A Man.

Cold Opening: Tom Ridge finks on Michael Jackson. Also, Dave has yet another rant about Paris Hilton, claiming that she won't be on because a "no-good weasel, beady-eyed putz publicist" told her not to appear. "He's lower than pond scum," Dave observes, then later he calls him a nitwit and a knuckle-dragging neanderthal.

During Mailbag, Harold Larkin tries a new product, then, in honor of Thanksgiving, starts bleeding gravy; Mike Myers plugs The Cat in the Hat.

Dorothy (live via satellite) brags about her five grandkids, ranging between 32 years and one month in age, and again stumps Dave with her apple and pecan Thanksgiving pies; Bill Delace presents "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From a Guy Dressed as a Pilgrim;" Tom Arnold plugs his book, "How I Lost Five Pounds In Six Years."

Felecia makes fun of Donny Osmond during "Stump The Band;" former "Dark Angel" star Jessica Alba plugs Honey; The Rapture performs "House of Jealous Lovers."

Rupert is almost omnipresent in the first half of the show, presenting footage of his trip to the Meadowlands for last week's Jets-Titans game, then chats with ousted Survivor Christa Hastie. Also, Matt Damon tells a story about working with Cher in his new movie, Stuck On You.

Dave mentions that his son likes to suck his nose; Biff & staff decorate taxi cabs for Christmas; Danny DeVito plugs Big Fish.

During Mailbag, the voices in Alan's head result in the horrific demise of his precious ceramic figure collection. Also, upon reading an article in Time about Oprah's refusal to have Dave on her show, he suggests a "Super Bowl of Love" with Dr. Phil reconciling the talk show hosts.

Dave announces that he's been invited to appear on Oprah (at long, long last), while Julia Roberts interrogates Dave for his inability to marry the mother of his child.

It's a Late Show mini-reunion as former Broadway merchants Mujibur, Sirajul, and Joe G. join Rupert in decorating the Late Show Christmas Tree. Also, Dave comments on Saddam's capture, then shows Liv Tyler her Lord of the Rings action figure.

During Mailbag, Dave tries to make sense out of "Saddam Hussein" (Gerard), while a reindeer takes a dump onstage. Also, Neve Campbell promotes the upcoming Robert Altman film "The Company," while Wellwater Conspiracy performs "Wimple Witch."

During "Audience Show & Tell," a man recites the names of all 50 states in alphabetical order in just fifteen seconds. Also, Golden Globe nominee Charlize Theron promotes "Monster."

Dave mentions some strange advice his mother gave him about Harry: "Well, David, I think it would be nice if one day he joined a gang." Also, "The Kalter Brothers" sing "The Little Drummer Boy" without incident, and Steve Martin talks about the burden of being beautiful.

It's the annual "Holiday Night" on the Late Show: Paul does his impersonation of Cher singing "O Holy Night;" Jay Thomas successfully dethrones the objects on top of the Late Show Christmas Tree; for the nineteenth year in a row, Darlene Love (featuring Bette Sussman and a 26-piece orchestra) performs "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)."

Dave brings out Biff and thanks him, Paul, the USO and a variety of soldiers for making the Christmas Eve trip to Baghdad possible; in the premiere edition of "Will It Explode?" Pat Farmer throws 18 industrial-size cans of chocolate and butterscotch pudding off the roof; Parents magazine calls Dave "America's Most Moronic Father."

Dave celebrate's Steph/Monty's birthday with a cake that reads "Happy Birthday Tammi!" Also, recent baseball Hall of Fame inductees Paul Molitor and Dennis Eckersley present the Top Ten.

During his interview with Nathan Lane, Dave suggests to Paul that they should perform together in the musical "The Producers." Also, Ruben Stoddard performs "Sorry 2004."

It's time for another round of "Stump the Band," and as usual Paul does his Carnac schtick; ten interns present the Top Ten; Billy Bob Thornton describes his short-lived tenure as the assistant manager of a pizza parlor; The Darkness performs "I Believe In a Thing Called Love."

Dave goes on a rant about Jay Leno's appearance on CBS' "People's Choice Awards" home site, while Dick Gephardt presents the Top Ten.

Mailbag: Alan gets clobbered by an angry Irishman, George Clarke takes a shower with former basketball star Manute Bol, and Steph/Monty gives heart surgery fun facts. Also, Howie Day performs "She Says."

Throughout the night, foreigners tell jokes; Dave and Paul play a new game called "Mars or Nevada?" then come to agree that it's utterly stupid; Al Roker presents the Top Ten; Carmen Electra promotes her new striptease-workout video.

During "Audience Show & Tell," a woman from Texas shows off photos of her Chinese hairless in various costumes; Dave reads a fan letter from someone whose life depends upon "Will It Float?"; Christina Aguilera sings "Walk Away."

Stephanie demonstrates her ex-boyfriend's lackluster dancing abilities once more; John McEnroe does the Top Ten and promotes his new talk show at the same time; Gavin MacLeod makes a guest appearance in "Potatoes or Gavin MacLeod?"; by the end of the show, Steph, Gavin, and John are dancing together.

Singer-songwriter John Mayer sits in; Dave shows footage of Howard Dean's head exploding; in the latest edition of "Pat Farmer's Gaffe Alert," our favorite film-loving stagehand points out that the entire cast of Casablanca is now dead.

Dave does a really bad Howard Dean impression; during Mailbag, Rupert puts a ruined slice of turkey in the soup of the day; Dave chats with a mountain climber with an epic story of survival.

Dave shows several photos that answer the question "What's the Deal with Donald Trump's Hair?;" Howard Dean presents the Top Ten live via satellite from New Hampshire.

Al Franken comments on his trip to Iraq; Phantom Planet performs "Big Brat."

Dave mentions the passing of influential late night great Jack Paar; Biff introduces his annual "Biff at the Super Bowl" segment; Bill DeLace does another Top Ten remote, this time from a nearby Starbucks.

Dave announces that after 22 years on the wagon, he would like to start drinking again, but only during the show. Later, he wishes Oprah a belated happy 50th birthday.

Dave mentions that water is not running in the building for the time being; during Mailbag, Pat Farmer tortures a stagehand with a George Foreman Grill; Dave shows a (bogus) clip of Barbara Walters topless.

Dave recaps last night's accident on 53rd Street: snowboarder Tara Dakides slid off a landing platform and fell to the pavement. She was taken to New York's Bellevue Hospital, and was treated for injuries. The audience was informed of the incident, and taping for the evening's two shows was cancelled.

Dave chats with snowboarder Tara Dakides, whose accident during a demonstration on 53rd Street cancelled the taping of last Thursday's episode. Also, in honor of the 40th Anniversary of Beatlemania, Paul does an Ed Sullivan impression, while Dave shows the entire clip of the Fab Four performing for the first time in this very theater.

Rupert selects a 53rd Street Loser to play "What Did Merv Have For Lunch;" Drew Barrymore and Jack Hanna remain clothed during their segments.

Dave tries out a new catchphrase: "Ba da boom, ba da bing." Also, Steph/Monty dresses up a 1980s-era Olympic hockey player, and Dave goes back to calling her "Smitty."

Throughout the night, the CBS Orchestra plays songs by Air Supply; Dave mentions that the continent of Australia has demanded to see that clip of the monkey washing a cat; Bill Murray gets a "Dave" tattoo on his arm.

This week's "Will It Float?" item is a box of chocolates; Alec Baldwin and Sofia Coppola visit; Kylie Minogue performs "Red Blooded Women."

Dave makes fun of a new commercial, and the clip is repeated throughout the broadcast; during "Stupid Human Tricks," a man stuffs his mouth with a tennis ball; Ray Romano promotes Welcome to Mooseport.

Leon Russell sits in; Dave is still fascinated by a quote from last night's film trailer ("If you need help, here I am") and repeats it several times throughout the show; Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Kelly Ripa both attempt parallel parking.

Mailbag: Steph/Monty/Smitty is dressed up as Dale Earnhardt, Jr., while "Senator John Kerry" (Gerard) brags about the perks of being married to the heir of a ketchup empire. Also, a Mongolian throat chanter performs on "Is This Anything?" but nobody seems all that impressed.

Noted hypothermia expert Dr. Gordon Geisbrecht jumps into a tank of icewater to demonstrate its effects; the US Senate announces that when referring to George W. Bush, "president" will be used in quotation marks; Dave shows the audience a new photo of little Harry.

During "Audience Show & Tell," Dave meets a former White House intern; George Clarke fills in for Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl during "Will It Float?"; comedian Brian Regan comments on psychics.

Demolition demo (shut down by Hizzoner Bloomberg's office) on 53rd St. turns into Pat Farmer dropping stuff off the roof; Survivor loser Rob Cesternino drops by Rupert's; Jeff Goldblum visits; Norah Jones sings "What Am I To You?"

It's "Steve and Edie" night on the Late Show: Edie Falco promotes the upcoming fifth season of "The Sopranos;" Dave meets Steven Bailey of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" fame; Edie Brickell (making her first LS appearance in nearly 10 years)promotes her latest solo album.

Stephanie/Monty/Smitty is in dentist garb (and Dave-ordered model posture) for "CBS Mailbag;" Diane Sawyer gushes over Oprah Winfrey's 50th birthday party; Benjamin McKenzie ("The O.C.") visits.

Season 12

Dave points out that CBS is airng stock footage of a guy wresting an ostrich to compete with NBC's Olympic coverage; director Chris Kentis promotes Open Water; ""Still Standing"" star Renee Olstead performs a scorching rendition of ""Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby.""

Dave has difficulty explaining to Paul what exactly animal photographer Sam Easterson does; Dave shows another out-of-focus clip from the Olympics; Denis Leary promotes the FX hit drama ""Rescue Me.""

""CBS Mailbag"" features Dave getting friendly with U.S. Olympic volleyball stars Kerri Walsh & Misty May (bogus), Alan Kalter's ""You're Busted"" at Ranch 1, and New Jersey going ""Gay Crazy;"" gold medalist Paul Hamm visits.

A man from Pennsylvania turns himself into a human jack o'lantern on ""Audience Show & Tell;"" ten U.S. Olympians present the Top Ten; political writer Maureen Dowd makes several alarming comments on the presidential election.

Osama bin Laden announces that he wants to replace Craig Kilborn as host of the Late Late Show; Dave celebrates 11 years at CBS with a timeline; Biff reports from the Republican National Convention, with a goal to hug as many ""Republican Babes"" as possible.

Jane Pauley promotes her new book, talk show, and bipolar disorder.

Competitive eater ""Crazy Legs"" Conti attempts to break the world's oyster-eating record in the lobby of The Ed; ""Stupid Pet Tricks"" features three dogs (none too crazy about the oysters); Bonnie Hunt remembers Johnny Carson (and tries an oyster).

Dave demands to be grilled on the annual Barbara Walters Oscar special, but only if he does the interview with Oprah by his side; ""Harold Larkin's Sidewalk Idol"" searches for the next great singing talent; Kings of Leon perform ""The Bucket.""

Giant rats attack Christo's Gates; Dave comes up with a number of synonyms for inhaling marijuana; Alan editorializes on President Bush, only to float toward promoting a bootleg sex tape he made in 1989.

""Late Show Week in Review"": Dubya (mis)pronounces ""nuclear"" five different ways, while a Flashdancers employee dances around one of Christo's Gates. Also, Lego expert Nathan Sawaya creates a brick portrait of Biff.

Snowmobiling great Jay Quinlan performs stunts on 53rd Street; actor-cum-wrester Dwayne ""The Rock"" Johnston promotes Be Cool; Solomon Burke blows the roof off The Ed with a pair of songs.

Dave brags about working on Labor Day; like it does every year, a runaway taxi ruins the staff Labor Day barbecue (and runs over Alan); three National Hollerin' Champions do their thing; Neve Campbell; Keane performs ""Somewhere Only We Know.""

""Would You Like To Take A Ride On A Dog Sled?"" on 53rd Street; Kirstie Alley wants to become promiscuous and discusses her new show ""Fat Actress""; Alan has a stern word for Christo's wife Jeanne Claude; Kathleen Edwards performs.

2004 Indianapolis 500 champion Buddy Rice with ""Top Ten Reasons I Love Racing;"" Vin Diesel talks about his dog, and his new film The Pacifier; Amos Lee sings.

Outgoing CBS anchorman Dan Rather looks back at his fifty years in broadcasting and the scandal that prematurely ended his career.

Dave is able to work the phrase ""needlessly circuitous"" into the interview with Amanda Peet, plus he admires her profile; Alan gives suggestive advice to Condoleeza Rice; Susan Hum refuses to give her picks for the Final Four tournament; marathon man Dean Karnazes discusses the joy of running.

Dave thanks the FBI and the Montana police for their efforts following a botched kidnapping involving his son last week; Pat Farmer celebrates ""March Madness"" by trying to duplicate his 90 foot drop shot into a goal on 53rd Street; Sandra Bullock doesn't talk about boyfriend Jesse James, but does plug Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; ""Alan Kalter's Are You ****ing Kidding Me?"" takes a look at the Robert Blake verdict; Gwen Stefani discusses high school and performs ""Hollaback Girl"" with a drumline and sits down for a chat.

Jessica Alba plugs Sin City and performs a lasso demonstration with Dave; staffer Susan Hum is reluctant to explain string theory; Queens of the Stone Age perform ""Little Sister.""

""On Sale Now"" (a variation on ""New Products"") includes room-temperature sushi and flammable curtains; Pat and Kenny read a transcript of an interview between Oprah and Kirstie Alley; Dave closes the show by promoting Japanese gum.